Thoughts on Reading : 50 Shades of **** (insert suitable word)

Books – I love books – I used to read lots of books before I had a little one.

Then I had a little one and my reading material was more often than not about farmyard animals, or fairies,  The Gruffalo or Kipper.  Don’t get me wrong Julia Donaldson is wonderful, everyone loves a fairy and Kipper is great.  We still often read the story where Kipper counts all the toys in the toybox over and over again and the number keeps changing because there are “too many noses” in the toybox … which turn out to be mice – lots of mice.  It’s cute ….

It struck me today that a slightly more adult and less cute version of this tale could be written about my buddy “Ms R” – who foolishly combining too much wine with an internet connection one evening purchased two evil young blood thirsty kittens.  On a good day her home in the countryside resembles the entire set of the Midsomer Murders .. only with Rodents .. and sparrows …. and entrails .. lots of entrails .. and even the occasional victim that is still partly alive … but I digress.

Books – yes. These days I have more time to read books for grown ups but running my business often takes over so I “binge read” a ton of books on holiday or read a book quite slowly over several weeks/months/years.   However a few weeks ago having steadfastly resisted for some considerable time, I decided that I really ought to find out what all the “50 Shades of Grey” fuss was about [after all its important to have something to contribute conversationally on a Mum’s night out that isn’t about sausages 🙂 ]

Don’t get me wrong, all credit to E.L.James for coming up with the idea and scoring herself what is undoubtedly a massive fortune, I only wish I’d thought of it myself, although I like to think I’d have thought of it with a slightly more expansive vocabulary …!  However having finally embarked upon it I have to say what a load of **** it turned out to be – and it’s taken ages to read so I have to beg to differ with those that describe it as “addictive” – its about as addictive as having to fill in your tax return.  Much like car crash TV or a film that is so dull and badly shot you want to throw things at the screen .. this is one of those times that you can’t help soldiering on because you feel you need to find out what happens in the end.  In other words utterly torturous (how apt!)

Quick Summary :

* Girl meets Boy – Boy turns out to have a few character traits that Girl doesn’t like and she foolishly hopes she’ll “change him” [nothing new there then]

* He warns her he’s bad news but she doesn’t listen.  When it turns out he has a background of abuse and an unhealthy interest in damaging people with whips and flogging implements and uses the same interior designers that so beautifully styled the chambers of the Spanish Inquisition she still thinks “it will be different with me.”

* For someone with so many millions in the bank he does seem to wear the same white shirt a great deal of the time.

* Even after it becomes obvious he is a lunatic and a stalker and he brutally beats her with a leather belt she goes back to him because he’s so “hot”.  Also the small matter of a psychotic Ex running about with a gun pales into insignificance whenever his trousers (which are obviously all too big for him) hang off of his hips in a certain way …

* Whilst Miss Steele is obviously a fool, you can just about stand her annoying habit of starting every sentence with the words Holy (insert word of choice) because she does appear to be able to keep him on his toes whilst being given a fabulous new wardrobe.  Her “Inner Goddess” on the other hand has to be the most annoying character of all time – although you have to admit she is quite active and has an enormous range of dance moves.  Whilst irritating the hell out of you she manages to simultaneously sway, jump, and cartwheel.  She can do the Samba, the Salsa, the Merengue, she has hula skirts and at one point cheerleading pom poms ! Occasionally she frowns, sometimes she drools but mostly there is jumping …. at one point she “jumps up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream” ..

Oh dear………..

As Zoe Williams wrote in a great article in The Guardian

“Small habits begin to grate: the way everybody always seethes, scolds, smirks or whispers and nobody ever just says; the way his eyes are constantly blazing, and she is constantly biting her lip.  ……  Christian Grey is just a controlling, unpleasant man whom, even 30 years ago, no sane heroine would ever have married, however Holy-hell-shit-I-can’t-breathe hot he was”  Read it here

The Booker Prize Ladies has cartwheeled out of the building …. back to Mr Tickle it is 🙂

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4 Responses to Thoughts on Reading : 50 Shades of **** (insert suitable word)

  1. Joanna Farrer says:

    I read about three pages of it. I couldn’t agree more, based simply on those three pages. You couldn’t pay me enough to go back and finish it. (Well, you probably could, but it would have to be A LOT.)

  2. Leslie Thomas says:

    I’m amazed you were even able to force yourself to finish that one. I got to page 1 of Chapter 2 and couldn’t continue so I still can’t discuss even remotely what this book nor the series is about over wine or beer or sausages on girls night. Congratulation and keep up the good work on The Sausage Diaries!

  3. Hilarious. I’m half way through the second book and think I will be half way through for the rest of my life. way too repetitive and mr grey really creeps me out. i now have sick disease with him (when a man makes you feel physically sick just because you don’t like the way he puts his socks on) that i can’t even begin to get turned on by the sex anymore with grey. back to richard and judy’s autobiography it is. yes, i know i’m no literary genius!

  4. Hilary Moir says:

    Do the ad hoc and last minute costumes include a Potato costume, as in a favourite film character?
    Mrs Wrong Legs x

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