The fact I’m getting older is official – I can’t do late nights anymore – well I can do late nights but I suffer for it with zombie lethargy on the days following it. I didn’t used to need to balance an all-nighter with a couple of decent lie-ins but these days I do. And in the absence of lie-ins (child to get to school) I turn to my old friend caffeine.
We actually had something of an online shopping trauma last week when the large bag of Kenco Millicano that was delivered turned out to be decaff, how this crept into my favourites I have no idea – I have never knowingly purchased such an item. I almost wept.
I put decaf coffee in the same category as vegetarian bacon – they are both not only entirely missing the key point about their own existence but they are also a bloody awful substitute for the real thing. I mean seriously – vegetarian bacon …. If you are going to give up eating animals then why fashion a dinner out of bits of soy products and make it resemble a pigs innards … I don’t get it. I could take this opportunity to regale you with the time I was treated to a dinner of “fish-less” fingers but I’ll save that for another blog 🙂
So coffee – it is vital on many days to get me through the day but I’m not a coffee lover as such – I actually don’t really like the proper filter stuff, I’m quite happy with a few cups of instant as long as they are heavily caffeinated. I don’t go around ordering Frappadappachinos or Lattes or Americanos. I just want a bit of caffeine. I curse the hours I’ve spent trying to reason with members of staff in well-known multi-national establishments with Green logos, or brown-ish red branding or names that evoke visions of Romans. I think the term Barista is now used deliberately .. because of the aural associations with the legal profession you fall into the mistaken belief that the person has a few brain cells knocking about in their head and therefore might be able to assist you by thinking slightly out of the box. These people don’t think out of the box, they can’t think out of the box, they do infact think completely inside the box, staring gormlessly at its cardboard edges. Imagine if you will the extreme difficulty in getting someone to put just the one shot of coffee in the cup with a bit of extra water so its not too strong. Every time I hear “but that comes with 2 shots” I want to bash my head against the counter or just take to the nearest seat and rock back and forth slowly. So I have the conversation:
Me: “yes I know it comes with two shots but I’m asking if you can just put in one of those shots, don’t put in the second one and just fill it up with lots of hot water”.
Barista Person: “But it comes with two shots”.
Me: “Yes. It does. However, is it possible to stop your machine after the first shot and just put in the water.. is that technically possible”.
Barista Person: “Well I suppose so … we don’t normally do that though because it comes with two shots”.
This is the reason that a) I fear our species may soon die out through natural selection [a whole other blog post] and b) I am the only coffee drinker I know that routinely orders tea at all coffee outlets and motor service stations … it just easier.
Alternatively – I could move to Ireland. Firstly I have Irish blood (please refer to my name) and secondly I love the place, I love the scenery, I love the people, I love the Craic. They know how to have fun. They know how to enjoy themselves, despite the fact that their weather is possibly worse than ours they are generally pretty cheerful and they know how to make coffee.
Its worth remembering that Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.